If you don’t say it, your kids won’t either…
“I’ve always been affectionate with my kids. A lot of people can’t say ‘I love you’ to anybody. Their parents never said it to them, and they don’t say it to their husbands or wives. Maybe it’s that puritanical holdover —that you have to be reserved; you can’t wear your heart on your sleeve. I could never understand why people think they’ll be faulted for doing something as natural as breathing: loving their own family.” -Lee Iacocca, Talking Straight
When I read this in Lee Iacocca’s second book (from the 80’s), this statement stood out to me. Probably because it embodies what I believe is most important in relating and connecting to others. One, if you do not share your feelings with others, they will not know how you feel about them. Two, the best way to teach others how to communicate with you is to role model it. My mom always told me she loved me, and I have never had trouble sharing that feeling with my her, or my children and husband. Reading how Mr. Iacocca related through his communication reminded me of how important it is to share your feelings.
I think that is why I love reading autobiographies. It’s like having a first row seat to an uncensored and raw view of how people relate to each other (most of the time). Lee Iacocca made perfect sense when he said that you have to role model it, or say it, in order for your children to learn how to do the same thing. We work with our clients every day on learning how to talk to those around them with words that express how they are feeling. I believe we do this so frequently with clients because it was not a common experience growing up. What is common is being “talked at,” being told what to think or feel, and not being heard. So, we end up defending ourselves all the time, reacting to what is said to us. How did your parents talk to you? Do you remember knowing if your mom or dad or sibling was scared, or sad? When you knew your dad was sad, did he talk about it with you?
Sometimes we think we are sharing our feelings, but still hiding behind a reaction or protection of words. My favorite response from a client when asked what he was feeling was, “I feel like hitting my head against the wall.” "That is not a feeling," I said. He took a breath, slowed down, looked at me and said, “I am scared she is going to hurt herself.” Yes! That helped me know where he was in the moment. Knowing someone is scared is much more approachable than someone banging their head up against the wall. We do this all the time though, maybe not the banging head part, but missing the moment by covering up or avoiding what we are feeling and reacting.
“Go to your room!” “You made me mad.” “You scared me when you told me that.” “You are grounded because you failed all your classes.” These statements are not about sharing your feelings. These are accusations and reactions to how you are feeling, and tend to create reactions in the other person. What if, instead of saying, “you made me mad,” you shared that you were scared and did not know how to respond in the moment. Or, instead of saying, “you scared me when you told me that,” you shared that you felt alone and rejected. Failing classes might spark anger in a parent, but what is underneath that anger - fear. Sharing the fear is going to be more productive in connecting with your child. I don’t know if Lee Iacocca shared his fears, sadness, or shame with his daughters, but if he did I am willing to bet that is where the bond and connection originated.
Reading autobiographies is not therapy, but I do believe learning from others can be therapeutic. Learning to share your feelings is like learning a new language. Reading how others talk to their families and friends is an interesting and fruitful way of practicing. When you read about somebody in a book, do you feel closer and more connected to them? If so, I wonder if it because of how they share their feelings? Take some time to recognize when the person you are talking to uses a feeling word.